I had an anxiety attack after work today.

I knew it was coming – I’ve been able to start predicting when they might happen after having so many of them. I figured it’d happen toward the end of work today, if it was going to happen at all.

Problem is, it doesn’t really help me all that much when I know they are coming. It isn’t like I can just schedule them for an exact time slot. “Oh yes, I have my anxiety attack scheduled from 4-4:30 today, can you book your meeting after that?” isn’t a thing. Frequently, I’ll even have to have a meeting or work through it due to a scheduling conflict with my brain’s fantasy land calendar. All I can do is set up for the attack in advance, make my comfy little weighted blanket fort on my bed and just head there when it happens, letting one of my cats provide my grounding.

This one lasted three hours. Do you know what it is like to have an anxiety attack for three hours straight, non-stop without your brain even taking a moment to get a drink of water? I’m sure some of you do, but for those who don’t it is freaking EXHAUSTING.

I am left afterward drained, fatigued, and dehydrated (especially when I start crying for a large chunk of that time). My brain is likely going to malfunction for the next few days at a minimum from that one. I don’t know if I’ll be functional enough to work tomorrow morning and I don’t even have to commute more than a walk downstairs. My cats get scared because they pick up off of my emotions, so I’m going to be cleaning up cat vomit for the next couple of days. I’m not really capable of cooking during that time (especially need to stay away from sharp objects, just in case), so that means spending a bunch of money on delivery and not necessarily eating well-balanced meals.

The worst part? Those three hours cost me my recovery time from work, as though I worked on something super intense for an extra three hours today… which is the trigger I had for this anxiety attack to begin with. My primary trigger for anxiety attacks is an anxiety attack the day before.

This will likely continue until Sunday, where I can finally try and get all of the crap I’ve needed to do after work got the past few days done. I say try, as I’ll still be exhausted from my brain acting like I had a 60h work week.

It is important for me to share mental health things with my friends, as it isn’t all that apparent due to how well I hide these things. I’m functional, and on good days I can even cope well, but I’m not going to fool myself into thinking that I’m doing great. This pandemic has been pretty horrible for my mental health, and I’m just going to accept that these things are going to happen.

Feel free to skip this post, I’m going a bit personal here.

Hi.
I’m not well.

As a lot of you know, I have multiple diagnosed mental illnesses, such as severe depression and multiple anxiety disorders, along with a variety of not-officially-diagnosed ones. Unfortunately, this also means that I tend to react to situations in ways that neurotypical folk don’t.
I’m also an extrovert. The way I typically deal with bad days or high stress situations is by being in close physical proximity to my friends, or even just random people enjoying themselves. With the current pandemic, that’s not possible. I had wondered at the start of my social isolation how long it would take for me to break.

It was three days, for reference. It has been fourteen days since I was around people that don’t live in my house, not counting the one vet appointment that I had for Zoan. This is the longest I’ve been by myself since I started working twenty two years ago. This means that I’m not recovering my mental fortitude (for lack of a better word) on a daily basis.

Which makes the rest of this so much worse.

The way my brain works, it has times where things are fine, and times where things are Not Fine. This is, as far as I’ve been able to tell, a normal cyclical pattern. There isn’t anything I can do about this*, or even generally predict it. When it does start though, I recognize it happening and I make sure I have my coping measures in place – usually organizing additional board game / roleplaying nights, or visiting friends for a bit. This gives me enough mental fortitude to deal with the depression and not be a completely useless wreck of a human being.

That cycle started in early November. I received the phone call in mid-November that my mother had cancer, and she passed mid-December. This pushed me to try and force away those depressive thoughts, as I needed to “Adult Up” and actually operate. My mother needed me to do all sorts of things before she passed, and I needed me to do a bunch of them after. I know I can push things a bit, but I pay things back with interest – the longer I push, the deeper the depression gets after I’m done pushing.

I started with the deeper depression in January, around the time my partner arrived. It was rough, but I was starting to work through it. I took a trip to Indiana and we spent time with friends at the end of February. That’s, of course, when the proverbial excrement hit the ventilation system. The pandemic isn’t something I was prepared for, and even before things started getting locked down it started impacting my mental health.

Add in working from home. Add in my four-month-long migraine. Add in the social isolation. Add in deal with the battle report of the world. Add in the intense disappointment in how people are handling things. Add in my partner’s utter nightmare of a travel situation. Add in having to do a lot more work at home. Add in having routines disrupted. Add in losing food stability or the ability to even get food in less than five days. Add in losing an appointment I’ve been on a waiting list for for over six months (time to start back over on the list!).

I’m a walking disaster. I had to take time off of work Friday because I had been crying for about three hours straight. My head hurts so much that I’ve been trying to take 2-3 hot showers a day directly pointed at my neck to relax some of my tense muscles. I’m seeing the telltale signs of my body breaking down over long-term stress. I’m seeing stress-based illnesses in my cats even, as they take my stress on themselves. My temper is much shorter than normal and I’m just so aggravated by All The Things that I want to just scream.

This isn’t going to end anytime soon. I don’t have an end in sight, I don’t know how much longer I’ll have to do this. I still need to help my partner contact people regarding trying to extend something that isn’t supposed to be extendable. I still need to work (which, at least I’m still being paid?), and everything is just So Much.

I’m broken. I don’t know how to function long-term, or even how to keep things up short-term.

* – Other people in my situation take anti-depressants. There is nothing wrong with this – if you don’t have home made neurotransmitters, store-bought ones are fine. Problem being, I side-react to anti-depressants, making things about a hundred times worse. For those that knew me in high school, any of you ever notice me just staring at a wall for two days? Yeah, I don’t remember that because those were the side effects of my meds; I lost two days of my memory.

I think it actually started this morning shortly after I arrived at work, but it mostly hit its prime during my company’s staff meeting.

Meaning I had an anxiety attack in a room of 9200 of my coworkers.

I’m… not doing well, mentally. I feel like the past two years have been the least mentally-stable years of my life, and it scares me. That’s not too surprising, given that the leader of my country is basically my worst nightmare come to life and I’m dealing with some crushing depression thanks to my brain not braining right.

My cats are recognizing my issues. They’ve been behaving better than they ever have in their lives, basically latching on to me at all times trying to help me. I’m glad they are helping me, as I’m having problems with maintaining my calm. I don’t really know how much longer I can deal with this; something has to change.

VEDA2018 #15

There are two parts to this video.

If you’re here for the regular vlogging updates, that’s the first part.
I had a really nasty anxiety attack Saturday night / Sunday morning. While preparing for my planned VEDA, I ended up recording some of my recovery. It is kind of painful for me to show (I ended up crying a bit remembering the feelings while editing), I think it is important to show what others are dealing with, usually in silence. Feel free to skip the last parts if you don’t want to watch that.